THE FIRST ANNUAL ONESIE AWARDS !

Voice Over: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the First Annual Onesie Awards (Orchestra Overture). Your host for these coveted awards is none other than (virtual applause building) the incomparable, Lawrence Longhandles! (wild applause).

Lawrence: Thank you, Don ParDough, thank you.... thank you (wild applause continues), thank you everyone... thank you.... please be seated (more applause), thank you... thank you so much (applause dribbles to one or two in audience clapping, music concludes). Thank you. Wow! You love me!! You really love me!  Thank you, everyone!

What a great night. It is my privilege to be with you and to be hosting the first annual Onesie Awards. You are in for some very special moments, I'm sure. My honored purpose is to recognize those individuals who, over the past five years, have contributed to the success of the most well known long underwear blogs in America, dare I say, the world: Union Suit Fan, and its companion blog, Union Suit Fans in the Limelight (more wild applause). Thank you, thank you very much.

This show is brought to you virtually, due to the still lingering Covid-19 pandemic. But, it is my hope you can still enjoy these First Annual Onesie Awards! (enthusiastic applause!)

I believe you'll flip head over heels, or should I say, heels over head upon our presentation, or my name isn't Lawrence Longhandles. 

Now, first off, thank you, thank you very much (applause dies down). First off, I would like to introduce the presenters of these awards, my brothers (applause): Leonard Longhandles (applause building), Lyman Longhandles (more applause), and last and most probably least, my little brother, Leopold Longhandles (laughter and even more applause). 

As you will soon see, Leopold is not wearing a union suit but, sadly, only his BVD's (applause dwindles). Believe it or not, He sent every single one of his union suits to the cleaners earlier this week, and none were returned to him in time 

for tonight's special gala event 

(groans, a few virtual boos). 

Since the show must go on, Leopold will muddle through, underdressed in his BVD's.

 (large number of boos, the audience is horrified and Leopold is red faced).

Well! Without further ado, I want to present to you the creative genius behind the Union Suit Fan blogs, Mr Chris Ayers (standing ovation with wild applause! Lawrence clapping enthusiastically). Mr. Ayers, is our guest of honor. Actually, our only guest who's present.  All other audience members are here virtually! 

Typically, he is appropriately attired in a union suit. And why not? For this occasion, I understand, he has chosen a most elegant Champion Duofold red union suit, sporting Tommy Hilfiger red polka-dotted boxer shorts underneath, and black Christian Dior socks. His wise choice of underclothing will no doubt set a high standard for future Onsie award attendees!

Please, Mr. Ayers, take a bow (great applause). Thank you, sir for bringing union suits out of the closets and drawers of America and into the modern mainstream. One-piece long underwear is no longer to go unseen but, rather, cherished and exhibited in fun and exciting ways! Great job, Sir! (more applause as Mr. Ayers takes a bow.) 

(Orchestra builds to a crescendo). And now, we'll return after a short commercial break to hear from one of tonight's sponsors, Munsingwear.

 "Don't say Underwear, say Munsingwear."

Lawrence: Welcome back, everyone. Onsie awards will be presented in no particular order as all of tonight's recipients contributed greatly to the success of Union Suit Fan.

So, with that said, we now present our first award, the enRICHment Onsie. This award goes to a very special friend of our blog's creator. Not only because he was the first to email his appreciation in finding on-line a platform for all things union suited, but because of his dedicated military service to our country. This veteran was one of the blog's first generation of guest contibutors who had been wearing union suits for over fifty years. He inspired the November 22, 2016 posting, "Yesteryear - Astronaut Underwear," the story of the union suit clad Mercury 7 astronauts. This posting provided historic proof that union suits were essential in the race to outer space when man reached for the stars in his underwear!

Later, in an article posted on March 1, 2019, this state of New York native contibuted the heart-warming story of his new found relationship with an elderly tailor and his wife at a dusty old shop in downtown Buffalo. The tailor carefully measured him so that the union suit he was about to purchase would fit perfectly. And, sure enough, it did. I hazard that not many in this crowd have been fitted for long underwear of any kind. I certainly have not even as host for this renowed show tonight. How about you, Mr Ayers? Hmm? I thought not.

Anyway, the first recipient of the First Annual Onesie award for enRichment goes to (pause for affect).... 

Rich of Buffalo, NY (grand appreciative applause).

Thank you, Rich! 

Our second award goes to Joe of NYC, another dear friend of Mr. Ayers. What is it with these New Yorkers and their union suits!? (laughter) Can it be their good taste in underwear? Or, is it just the cold weather in the northeast? Afterall, Utica, New York is credited as being the city where union suits were first mass produced. Right ? (applause).

Joe is an author in his own right. So, it was no surprise that he, in the early years of Union Suit Fan, offered several accounts of what became very well-received union suit stories. The very popular posting, "Holy Union Suits," was his, posted on March 5, 2017 (applause). "Stocking Stuffers" soon followed in April of that year. Joe contributed to the Grant Wood posting of April 4, 2018. 

This union suit fan has also searched and found any number of old-time, historic union suit photos and articles such as the one featuring this young recruit in the January 12, 2018 posting who had stripped down to his long underwear and hat aboard a troop train. Joe found him and his story in an old Life Magazine article.

and, the more recently posted December 4, 2020 "Strident Strikers" of Knoxville, Tennessee (building applause). 

As you can see, Mr. Ayers could simply not get along without the many contributions of Joe. So, the Big Apple Onsie award goes to Joe of NYC (grand metropolitan applause).  Red union suits seem to be the preferred underwear of the night.

Bay Area Bill is recipient of the Fireman Hatch Onesie award, given posthumously (polite applause). Bill passed away this past year after a courageous fight with cancer. Being a little shy, this friend only provided photos of himself facing away from the camera. But his early contributions were significant. A dedicated union suit wearer and enjoyer, Bill was author of "Stocking Stuffers", posted in April, 2017. May this shy, gentle man rest in peace. 

In Bill's absence, this award is being accepted by that good ole back flap kid himself, Cory J. Crew (applause).

The coveted Go to Guy Onesie is awarded to the multi-talented Sam of Upper Lower Michigan. Sam has contributed to Union Suit Fan in numerous ways, including catching blog errors. One time early on, Mr. Ayers mistakenly referred to Stanfield's Underwear as "Union Suits" when everyone in Canada knows their one-piece underwear is referred to as "Combinations." Or, as the French Canadians call their underwear, "Combinaisons." Sam good naturedly set him straight.

Sam's expertise expanded the knowledge of all blog readers when he offered the timely and indispensable book for all serious union suit wearers in the posting:

"Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Union Suits, But Were(n't) Afraid to Ask!" It was presented February 6, 2020 and covered union suit facts for men and boys, extensively.

And his memorable contribution to BVD's was most welcomed:

This seriously studious, book-learnin' man contributed

to the second installment of the April 20, 2018 Grant Wood posting as well, featuring Native Americans "lifting" pioneer union suits from a clothesline....

Sam, an outdoors man right down to his underwear, submitted photos of himself hard at work wearing Stanfield's Union Suits as posted March 24 and May 15, 2018, respectively:

Won't you put your hands together for Sam of Upper Lower Michigan! (warm, gratified, thunderous applause).

Next tonight, our Atta Boy Onesie award goes to, uhmmm, goes to, uh.... uh, well, can this be right? A girl! And not a boy?!  Hmmm....Well then, let's hear it for Torrie of Flagstaff, Arizona. She submitted the May 21, 2018 story and photograph of her boyfriend, Jeff, "answering nature's call" early one morning on a camping trip near their home in the beautiful mountain region of Flagstaff, Arizona (relieved applause). You go girl!

Torrie's posting narrowly garnered more consideration than "Crowning Achievement" featuring the King of Trap Doors which was posted March 16, 2017 (more applause).

And now another short commercial break from one of our swell sponsors, Carhartt Union Suits.

Carhartt Union Suits, perfectly paired with Carhartt Winery of California

No award show would be complete without warm recognition given to a very deserving Guest Contributor. This man justifiably receives the highly sought, Thespian Onsie. This year's award goes to a friend of union suit wearers everywhere, Mr. Ron Payne of Virginia.

Mr. Payne won wide acclaim for his November 14, 2019 postings, "A Thespian Union Suit Fan, Part I" and "An Innocent Rube, Part II." (more wild applause). 

He won out over another popular young man's high school story and photo, Mr. Ayers' own, "Me and My Union Suit," posted December 15, 2016.

Mr. Payne's displeasure in wearing any type of long underwear as a boy was overcome when he, as a college freshman, was cast in the leading role of a popular campus musical attended by fellow students, professors, and even his parents. His union suit debut was capture in this photo taken from his year book. (applause).

Take a bow, Mr. Payne, all grown up and now a dedicated union suit fan (standing ovation)....

One of the blogs most favorite characters has been championed in a number of postings. In fact, Buckeye Mike of Ohio (building applause at his mention) has appeared in more postings than any other fella except for Mr. Ayers, himself! (applause). Have a look at Uncle Ubb, Easy Rider, Mike the Mechanic, and Zebulon Zombie, to name a few....

Whether in union suits or boxer shorts, the special Lon Chaney, Man of a Thousand Faces Onsie goes to your pal and mine... Buckeye Mike of Ohio! (wild standing ovation).

Thanks, Buckeye, for all you've contributed to Union Suit Fan! 

You know, as Mr. Ayers has stipulated many times, "Cowboys are the quintessential union suit wearers." And so they are...

What could be more apt than our nominees in this category. The envelope please. Tonight, the Cosmic Cowboy award goes to that special western wearer whose contribution is out of this world. It goes to... oh, my goodness... it's a three way tie! (stunned applause) 

Congratulations to those "rough and tumble, stripped to their union suit" cowboys, everyone's favorites, San Antonio John, Alexander the great, and Nevada's own, JT of the ranchland town of Owyhee. 

Thanks cowboys! (historic applause in appreciation of yesteryear they bring to modern life).

What a show! (more applause)

We next have a special Onsie to be given. An artitistic salute to long-handled union suits. This award goes to the person most recognized as an exceptional illustrator in the comic drawing category. The Onsie for 2020's Best Illustrated Comic goes to the creator of Cletus Coffee, Union Suit Fan's own mascot, the incomporable, Jerry Walters.

Mr. Walters is also the creator of Thorngood, Fred, Polecat, and many other memorable characters. Congratulations!

And now, we'll return with tonight's final award right after this message from "Long Johns' Long Johns."

Welcome back, Union Suit Fans! (applause)

Our final Onsie this turbulent year goes to those two wacky wagerers who brought their good times to our times. I'm talking about Tom and RC, winners of the Dastardly Duo category, garnering the You Bet Your Britches Onsie award, for their several postings and numerous photographs, mainly of RC in his bright red underwear but a few of Tom too. (wild applause with the virtual audience members tearing at their clothes, many revealing the union suits they're wearing underneath!)

That's all for this year, folks. On behalf of the winners, my brothers, and our corporate sponsers, thanks for joining us. We hope to see you again next year when more deserving Onesie award winners are recognized (standing ovation).

Good night, good luck and good wearing! 

(Great, thunderous applause as the curtain closes)