Joe of New York City, Union Suit Fan!
My good friend is featured in this his third contribution to my blog. Enjoy!
The Big Switch
So. What happens when a city boy
switches from his trusty and reliable two-piece thermal long johns to
a good, old-fashioned, one piece unit – trap door and all?
The guys in my family have a tradition
– white, flat cotton, short sleeved union suits. Perfect for
working outdoors/ hunting/ fishing or cutting fuel bills. Naturally,
white union suits (one piece button flap, in case you are curious)
came from Sears Roebuck and were a staple for Grandpa and a host of
Uncles. But the young dudes? Grandpa’s union suit? No way! We
were far too young and way too hip to step into a pair of long
handles. So, when we decided that frost bite wasn’t the best
fashion statement, we hauled our ice-cold rear ends to K-Mart or J C Penney and bought waffle weave, cotton long johns. Sometimes white,
sometimes ecru. And, not to start a debate again but – socks were
pulled up past the double-knit cuffs. The rationale for that heroic
feat was twofold: so drafts wouldn’t crawl up our legs once the
knit cuffs stretched out a bit; and, so others wouldn’t discover
our secret when we sat down and the legs of our trousers rode up a
bit.
And the ribbing a guy in long johns
gets? Guys get teased about underwear – any type of underwear -
get over it! Boxers, briefs, long johns – they have been a
humorous staple in films and on television for years. Why the poor
union suit had to be shoved to the back of the closet and become the
most humorous of garments can be directly blamed on every Hollywood
star from Laurel & Hardy all the way to The Three Stooges.
I’ve watched long underwear advance
in the media. My trusty white/ ecru ones were scoffed at recently
(by my eye doctor who proudly pulled up the trouser leg of his
expensive suit to display a pair of black Under Armor’s). During
my exam, as I was reading the chart and trying to figure out the very
small print, he looked down and saw that my pant leg had travelled up
a bit and there, right above my black sock for all the world (or him)
to see were my ecru colored, thermal waffle weave knit, long johns.
So, in trying to get with the 21st
Century, I bought a pair – and balked loudly at the cost. Almost
$100 for a pair of black long johns? Meanwhile, another store (Odd
Lots) was selling a pair of ecru colored (or black – they got with
the times too) long johns – waffle knit thermal top and bottoms for
the staggering amount of $8 for the set! A whole suit (maybe one you
wouldn’t wear to church on Sunday – too difficult to find the
right tie) for under ten bucks.
Well sir, I paid
for the Under Armors and so it was time to put them to the test. Put
on my “hip and with-it” black Under Armors, went out into the
wilds of Manhattan to take pictures and froze my camera lens off.
Yeah, they are slick looking (kids who like wearing jeans with holes
in the knees prefer them. Also, guys like to wear short pants and a
pair of Under Armor black drawers – don’t ask me why. It is
defeating the purpose of warmth – isn’t it?) But these $100
drawers were thin, as stylish as a pair of long johns can possibly
get but provided no warmth. Said eye doctor had me lift my pants leg
when I returned (in a frozen huff, mind you) to pick up my glasses,
felt them and said it was all in my mind. He pointed out the comfort
they provided and how quickly they dried when washed. I still think
he gets a kick-back from Under Armor for each pair he gets a patient
to buy.
And so, you might ask, how did I
finally get myself into a trusty, red, union suit? Well, my buddy
Chris is quite a nice guy and his web site extols the virtues of the
union suit. As New York City fell into a spell of cold and snow, I
found one of our last, remaining, Army & Navy shops and bought a
Hanes red waffle thermal (some habits I cannot break) union suit.
Took a shower. Dried off. Stepped
into the tagless Hanes union suit, buttoned it up and true to form –
pulled a pair of socks up and over the double knitted cuffs. For me,
the thermal cotton provides a bit of stretch and support that is
unsurpassed. Yeah. I had on my broadcloth boxers under the suit
(and, if you want to talk about laughable you gotta see the plaid and
paisley print ones that K-Mart has on sale) and white socks – a
truly masculine get-up and thank God for that! Went to sleep (it is
an old building and the landlord is not going to properly heat it so
nights, mornings and early afternoons are quite cold if not downright
frigid around here) in them and found them to be the ultimate in
comfort. Socks kept the legs from riding up and any “bladder”
issues weren’t that much of a hassle after the first time I
stumbled, half-asleep, to answer nature and stopped and said, “What
the heck? Buttons? Oh. Yeah.”
Next morning, despite below freezing
temperatures and snow on the windows, I was warm and quite cozy. My
bro, Chris, once called a union suit “romance killer” but for me,
the art of being warm and snug is all the love this old man needs.
After a picture taking session
(consider them your Christmas present, Chris) I sat around the
computer in them feeling comfortable, warm and cozy. No drafts
hitting the small of my back where the thermal t-shirt top always
rode up on me (being 6 foot 3 inches isn’t always a plus), roomy
fit and if the doorbell should ring, all it would take to be
“presentable” was to jump into a pair of jeans – the top passes
for a Henley.
Then came the big test – the great
outdoors. Or, in this case, the urban jungle. As I previously
stated, the comfort factor was a big plus. Despite my fears, there
was no “pull” on my shoulders (the store did sell “tall” ones
so they did fit properly) and, unlike the Gentlemen’s Quarterly
Under Armor’s, these babies kept a man all comfy and warm – from
neck to ankles.
So. Two piece thermals vs. a union
suit. OK boys, let’s face it. The big (and
ultimately only) issue is that blasted trap door. Easy to button and
unbutton but a major pain in the . . . a major pain when the bran
muffin kicks in.
Wearing a sweater made it a bit impossible to
unbutton the long john union suit and just get on with business.
And, the boxer shorts underneath the union suit didn’t help matters
any. So, for the next test, I tried ‘em without said boxer shorts.
Ah! A lot easier and no major undressing required.
Of course, now I am going to start
another debate – while still a strong advocate of tucking the cuffs
of your trusty union suit (or thermal long john drawers) into your
socks – I now feel that as a union suit/ long johns (two separate
pieces) are underwear (despite Under Armor trying to make them a
fashion accessory like the Kardashian’s might wear). Putting
underwear (short) under underwear (long) is like wearing a belt and a
pair of suspenders – overkill!
I can hear the cries from long john/
union suit aficionados across the globe yelling, “but wearing your
briefs under long johns enables you to wear them longer. One union
suit (or thermal drawers) can be worn a few days while you would
change your summer underwear every day.
I’m all for hygiene but I’m also a
big fan of “When You’ve Got To Go, You’ve Got To Go” so I
will buy a few union suits (White. Perhaps Oatmeal – hey Chris –
did you ever think starting that great blog would make you not only a
hero but a mentor?) and keep the broadcloth boxers off to one side
until warmer weather prevails.
Joe: Thanks for another enlightening take on the world of long, one-piece wonders. I admit to wearing boxer shorts under my union suits as well as a sleeveless undershirt. As teenage boys we called those undershirts "skinny ribs." I will take under advisement your well thought out argument regarding ditching the boxers. We'll see.
If you have been following my blog you know that Joe of New York City is a regular (or should I say intermittent) contributor. Please see his previous stories published in this blog: Holy Union Suits (March 5, 2017) and More Stocking Stuffers (April 20, 2017) .... Chris
If you have a great Union Suit Story and / or favorite photograph(s), please send them to cayersnd@gmail.com
